the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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