Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
