if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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