The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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