His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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