i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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