I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
