im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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