i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
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Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.