so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
