Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
