half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
the day after is always just damage control
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
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I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
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