Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
