and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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