i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
