Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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