Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
