Soap is not a condiment
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
