literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
