i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
