At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I AM VODKA MAN
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
