Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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