Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
