I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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