I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
