I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
