i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
