Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
