I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
