Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
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Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
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I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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