I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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