You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
