My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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