I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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