I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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