I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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