I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
