All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
