This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
