Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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