i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
