I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just invented taco cereal.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
