He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
