Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
