i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
