I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
