: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
