I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
