i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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