It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
