someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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