i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Oh god it's open bar.
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